Fire In The Bones

I shocked myself yesterday! 

I had interviewed for a job several months ago that I thought I wanted.  The job would have demanded a huge amount of time and a commitment that would have effectively kept me from ever serving as a pastor in a church again.  It also would have meant a substantial increase in my income, which, of course, is very attractive right now.

Well, after not hearing from the interviewer for many months, and naturally assuming the opportunity was gone, I received a phone call yesterday asking me if I was still interested in this position.  This call came a few days after I had been eliminated from consideration for a pastor position at a congregation I deeply desired to serve.  It also came at the greatest point of discouragement in my search for a new pastoral call after over two years of seeking.  And this came at a time that finances are getting tighter, and family needs are getting greater.

Of course, I would take this position.  Right?  Well, I shocked myself by immediately saying, "No, I am no longer interested."  When I disconnected the phone, I thought, "What did I just do?"  Even more mysterious, "Why did I just do what I just did?" 

Then it hit me --- I did not want to put myself in a position where I cannot find a new call to serve as a pastor!  Despite everything, this call still is strong, even an overwhelming priority.  As Jeremiah so graphically paints it (in Jeremiah 20:9):
       His word is in my heart like a fire,
       a fire shut up in my bones.
       I am weary of holding it in;
       indeed, I cannot.

This is my call.  The "staff is still in my hand." This is what I must seek to do, as long as God so wills.  So, my search continues for a congregation with which I can share this "fire."