Friday, March 27, 2009

My Little Boy

Here I sit typing this blog entry in a contorted attempt to deal with my devastated heart. My ten year old son lies in a hospital bed in the intensive care unit of Gillette Children's hospital because of a very hopeful surgery having gone so terribly wrong. In what was to have been the final installment in a series of surgeries to enable Seth to walk as well as everyone else, instead it looks as though all ability to walk has been robbed from him.

The surgeon has no idea what went wrong. The surgery went perfect, he says. Everything was ideal. Yet, for some totally terrible reason unknown to anyone but God, feeling has not returned to his legs as it should have a few hours after surgery. It is now going on 72 hours without any feeling returning, and the surgeon is now speaking the unspeakable, that we should begin treating this as a permanent condition. Instead of a spinal cord correction, we now are dealing with a spinal cord "injury."

Oh the flood of feelings right now. Do I claim a strong faith that God will intervene and restore feeling to Seth's legs, that the doctors are wrong in their assessments? I've pounded the wall of the shower as my tears ran down with the water, crying out to God, "No! No! No!" Is this denial of the inevitable, or a plea that God hears and answers. A bruised reed God will not break, Isaiah says. What about a bruised ten year boy whose only mistake was to trust that his parents and doctors were doing something good for him?

I am overwhelmed with grief, grief for my son, for my wife, for myself. Yet, do I dare believe the miraculous can happen? I believe God can, but do I dare believe God will actually do something amazing here. Obviously, I desperately want God to give my son feeling in his legs and the ability to walk again. I don't know what to hope for, what to claim in faith for my son. Is what I want something God will honor, or must I again submit to the mystery of God's will? Perhaps the best I can do is humbly submit to what God wants, but at least approach God with open hands ready to receive a desperately desired gift.

I know God will do something marvelous - ultimately! I know that somehow out of this will come great glory for God. Of these things I am sure. But how and in what way I don't know. Right now, all I know is that my little boy is hurt real bad, and that he trusted me for the best when he went into this surgery. Right now, all I know is that I can only cry out to God in anguish, as so many other parents have in similar situations. All those "Bible stories" about fathers and mothers coming to Jesus and crying out to Him to heal their children are so much more than interesting lessons with nuanced meanings in Greek and Aramaic. They are raw human reality slashing through my heart like a double-edged sword. They are the fire of the Holy Spirit searing my innermost soul. I too come to Jesus in sheer desperation and cast myself down at His feet to plead for my son to rise up and walk.

God have mercy. Christ have mercy. God have mercy on my little boy!

9 comments:

Red_Cleric said...

God who protects and hedges those who have no hope be there for this family right now. Your will IS perfect but we don't know what Your will is.

Our hearts are ripped in two. Our lives feel destroyed. We cannot get the taste of tears from our mouths. In our heart of hearts we want nothing more than for Seth to be one of those miracle stories we read in Your Word.

Hear our prayers. Heed the prayers of Seth's parents and may Your grace and the presence of Your Holy Spirit become overwhelmingly more real in the days to come.

In Christ's name. Amen.

Kenton Church will be in prayer for you and your family on Sunday and I'll send an email out to the congregation tonight so they can start talking to our Father about this.

Alan

Viola Larson said...

Father lift this little boy and his family up to your throne. Heal Seth through your Son. Lord Jesus have mercy.

I will keep praying and call others to prayer.

Sam said...

I've never been here before. I came here from Viola's place. Your son, you and your family will be in my prayers.

Dave Moody said...

Lord, in your mercy, hear our prayer...

Quotidian Grace said...

I also came here from Viola's place.

Dear Lord, hear our prayers. Hear the prayers of Seth's family and friends. Send healing and hope to them. We ask in the name of Jesus.

Presbyman said...

I also came here from Viola's blog. What a heart-wrenching situation for you.

God of mercy, have mercy on Seth and his family. Comfort them with the sense of your presence. Fill their lives with your compassionate servants. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Debbie said...

May God give you his peace in knowing that, as Seth's loving father, you always chose what was best for Seth.

Your anguish brings tears to me. May God pour blessings onto you and Seth.

Anonymous said...

Will and family,
This is Sarah (formerly Wilson)who used to attend Hus church. I knew Seth when he was about 5 years old or so. It is so difficult to understand why we must face such challenges in life. We attend Cedar Hills Community Church now and last Sunday our pastor said there is no where in the Bible that promises a trouble-free life. My family has faced unimaginable challenges in the last year so while those words are not comforting, they do reinforce the need to trust God and the plan he has for each of us.
I will pray for you and your family.

Andrea said...

I am Andrea, Viola's daughter. I just read her blog directing me here to read your blog. My heart is beaten by your sorrow. I cannot put into words what I feel for you. Three of my four children have special needs: my oldest suffered from epilepsy (she has since been declared in remission), my next daughter began puberty at the tender age of 5 and had undergo monthly hormone suppressant injections for 5 years, and my son was born with many vision impairments which have required two surgeries to date. I say this all to you simply because I know the agony of making medical decisions for my children.

I want to affirm to you that God blessed you and your wife with this child to protect and raise up in God's will. Never doubt that God will turn this disaster to good. It may not be the good you seek, but it will be the good God seeks for you.

I can tell from your passionate prayer/posting that you care deeply for your child. I would venture to guess that you would change places with your son if that were possible. This shows your complete and unfailing love for your child. You did with God's guidance what you thought best for your child.

I will continue to pray for you, your son, and the rest of your family. This is a terrible tragedy that will take much prayer and time. Stay strong for your many brothers and sisters in Christ are raising your family up to God in their many passionate prayers.